It’s a season of reflection in my life right now. We move in a little over a month (hopefully everything works out in that department – stand by for the full story there – I’m still waiting to see how it will unfold) and I’m looking back over the last three years when we moved last time. This move is almost exactly three years to the day but the big difference is this time I don’t have a sense of dread. Just a sense of this being the move I’ve been waiting for. The house. The people. The area. All of it.
Oh but three years ago, I hardly recognize the person that moved here. Who was she? And why do I feel so disconnected from her? As I’ve been processing I’m realizing some things that weren’t clear to me in the moment. I was talking to a friend and mentioned it in passing and she affirmed it. And then another friend agreed. And my husband agreed.
I had postpartum depression.
It had always baffled me, how easy having a child seemed easy to other women and why it would feel so difficult to me. I’m not discounting the fact that is it hard. It is. But I felt like it was suffocating me and other women just seemed winded – like they were running a 5k. I was really good at telling people that everything was fine. That the season I was in was difficult but I was always fine. Except that I wasn’t. I pretended to function as fine. I even kept up with a lot of things that I enjoy, except. . . I didn’t enjoy them. I just did them. I kept up the act, trying to fool myself.
When Jude turned two I felt myself surface and just now I can look back clearly and see the symptoms that I was trying to will away. Granted, there were a lot of things going on in my life that compounded the depression – the move, leaving a church I felt connected to, joining a new church, stopping my career, Jason quitting his job, difficulty in our marriage, limited money, not to mention the stress of having a new kiddo. It felt like I was drowning.
And then here we are today. Facing a similar lot of changes – moving, Jason’s new business, disciplining a toddler/preschooler, planting a church. And yet, I don’t feel like I did this last time. Don’t get me wrong, I fully understand that we are walking into some difficult times, but I feel like I can do it. I’ve been lead to the path that we are on willingly instead of blindly.
And I’m excited that I can walk into it with my head above the water.