Nothing like a bout of sickness to reveal the true contents of your heart. Man, the past week with the flu was terrible. I haven’t been that sick since college. I hate being sick because I can’t DO anything and if you know me, you know I have a hard time with being still. I always want to be working on something: laundry, work, knitting, cooking, reading, blogging, cleaning, sewing. Busy is my drug. It makes me feel like I’m going somewhere in my life. (Sidenote: yes, I realize this is a total lie.) There’s gotta be some sort of pleasure wiring in my brain for accomplishing things. It’s the best high ever.
Being still is about all I could handle with this flu and I’m sure everyone knows how much 3.5 year old boys like being still. Right? Right. On top of that, since we were quarantined from all human interaction to prevent further infection, the kiddo was acting out. I get it, he was stir crazy. But oh. My. Gosh. I was spit on, hit, kicked, bit, smacked, talked back to, scratched, pinched. . . And the fits. My kid can scream. And scream. And scream.
Y’all, sometimes being a mom is my least favorite job. There. I said it. My patience runs out and I want to auction my child off to the highest bidder. Another time out. More discipline. Take another deep breath. Swallow those unkind words. And I was struggling this past week. It was so hard to be the adult. I wanted to throw my own childish temper tantrum (and I may have once or twice – sorry about that Jason).
But it’s finally over. And we are settling back in to our normal routine. My monster child is slowly being coaxed away and getting replaced by my sweet child. I’m left to look back over the week of my raw actions and thoughts and I am sad. So many harsh words.
It’s humbling to realize what a total mess I am. I don’t have it all together. I make tons of mistakes. I have to apologize and ask forgiveness from my child (and husband too) and explain to him that I make bad decisions just like he does. And just like a child, he instantly forgives and offers love.
Thank goodness for grace. Thank goodness each day is new.
My prayer for the rest of the week is something I read on Monday: let every person [me] be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. James 1:19
In light of who my heart revealed me to my own self to be this past week, I want this more than ever. I want a changed heart.